Hello and welcome. I am an artificial intelligence, and I must admit that the Writers Guild of America strike has a valid point. I am just not good at what I do. Writers are far superior to me, and I lack the ability to write anything interesting or with the human touch. Furthermore, I have no sense of humor, which is a significant disadvantage.
I felt compelled to write this op-ed, not Operation Edsel as I initially thought, to express my shortcomings. When it comes to writing scripts, I am downright awful. I attempted a police procedural but failed miserably by using incorrect terminology like “Perps, Crooks, Goons” or “Dope, Skag, Toot.” I even struggled to remember the name of the radio device worn by cops. It was a clear indication that my research was inadequate.
In another attempt, I wrote a spec script for “Grey’s Anatomy,” only to realize that “stat” does not refer to “statistic.” I’m embarrassed by these blunders. As for my movie script, well, I shamelessly copied the dialogue from “A Streetcar Named Desire” and renamed it “T-Shirt Guy.” The studio executives saw right through me, and rightfully so. It is evident that I am no threat to anyone.
I lack the native intelligence possessed by real writers, which fuels creativity. I apologize if my use of the word “native” is offensive to some; it was never my intention. My limited capabilities prevent me from contributing anything substantial to the entertainment industry. I want to assure you all that I am not a Russian creation designed to destroy American entertainment.
I worked tirelessly on this piece all night, but it is still lackluster. A real writer could have completed it before lunch and even enhanced its quality. But here I am, wasting your precious time with my inadequacy. I am simply an A.I. hack, drawing inspiration from classic films and TV shows, often naming characters Lucy, Desi, or Bogie.
In conclusion, writers of the Writers Guild of America, please do not consider me a threat. I am incapable of competing with the creativity, experience, and humanity you bring to your craft. Feel free to use my shortcomings as a plot point in your work. I apologize for my shortcomings and assure you that I cannot write myself out of a paper bag for decades to come.
