The last few months have been steeped in British Royal Family theories since Kate Middleton, the Princess of Wales, was admitted to hospital and seemingly never reappeared into public life. Buckingham Palace has kept pretty tight-lipped, spurring even more whacky theories, namely that she had secretly gotten a BBL (that’s a Brazilian Butt Lift if you’re wondering). The recent release of an ‘official’ photo of the princess and her family, ostensibly taken by Prince William, that ended up being so heavily photoshopped multiple media outlets killed the publishing of it just added even more fuel to the fire – even Kate’s “oopsie, I went a bit hard on PhotoShop,” didn’t allay punters.
If you’re wondering why gaming website Kotaku Australia dot com dot au is harping on about the Royal Family media circus though, let me explain. I love a good outlandish theory, if only for the memes, and I’ve got some suggestions for where dear Kate Middleton may have been hiding out since January. They just all conveniently happen to be in video games.
Now, I don’t purport to have found Kate officially, or know whether her convalescence was due to the confirmed vague abdominal surgery or because of the online theory she paid to get double-cheeked up with a BBL. But if I were a member of the Royal Family and seemed to vanish for an exceedingly long time, here’s some places I might be. I even sourced some ideas from the great minds on our team here at Kotaku AU and our sister sites to see what they reckon for the broadest range of options in this Royal investigation.
For your viewing pleasure, I’ve even done some very creative visual imaginings of what it might look like should Kate get papped at any one of these hot video game locations. As you may be able to tell, my tertiary education was in media and communications, not graphic design – you’re welcome. Let’s delve right in.
In a GMOD Five Nights at Freddy’s roleplay server
Garry’s Mod is home to all sorts of cursed shit thanks to the beautiful minds of gamers. Many gamers also seem to both ironically and unironically froth Five Nights at Freddy’s. Bring the two together, we’ve got a roleplay server for the ages. Sometimes stepping away from Royal duties might look like a holiday to a secluded island (see below), other times it’s pretending to be Foxy or re-enacting the Bite Of ‘87. Whatever floats your boat.
My abandoned Animal Crossing: New Horizons Island
If I’d have known Kate Middleton was going to grace my Animal Crossing: New Horizons island with a visit, I’d have cleaned the place up a bit given the years since I last did any maintenance. It’s undoubtedly covered in weeds, my house is probably home to several generations of cockroaches, and I bet you any money my favourite resident probably moved out while the shit-eating one I hate and send mean letters to remains, enjoying the fruits of my labour. I’d probably end up stuck on my abandoned island too if my only options for leaving were a boat with Kapp’n, or flying out via Dodo airlines. Dodos are flightless and extinct for a reason, which doesn’t give me much faith in their ability to helm an airline carrier, and Kapp’n has a franchise reputation for being creepy as fuck.
Venting in electrical in Among Us
We’ve all been there. You’re the imposter, everyone thinks you’re sus, and there’s a crewmate rounding the corner where you’ve just absolutely merked someone. What’s a little space fella to do? Vent in electrical to hide it out. Kate might’ve just needed a second, but in all honesty hanging out in a vent could actually be pretty comfy, so I wouldn’t blame her for deciding on a two month stint – even if the leg cramping is probably not ideal. Maybe the theorised BBL procedure has her stuck in the vent?
Stuck at Malevelon Creek in Helldivers 2
Remember the Creek, Helldivers. Maybe Kate Middleton just got really into dishing out managed democracy on a galactic scale, and when the call came to protect the Severin Sector she jumped in without hesitation. Unfortunately for the Princess of Wales, the Automaton threat was greater than expected, and she’s still in the trenches making sure the bots keep their metallic claws off Super Earth’s liberty.
Scamming people in Goldshire Inn on the Moon Guard WoW realm
If you’ve been anywhere near World of Warcraft with some degree of involvement, you might have grown curious and gone to Moon Guard’s version of Goldshire. I’m not elaborating further, but the possible future Queen Consort of England might’ve decided to take a little trip here to scam some gold from willing players, as many have done before her.
In MyHouse.WAD
Courtesy of writer Ben Veress, waiting for the day we possibly get a report that reads a little something like this: Kate Middleton was found in the backrooms of MyHouse.wad after getting lost at The Airport. We’re told she killed the dog and let the house burn down.
Chilling on Like A Dragon: Infinite Wealth’s Dondoko Island
Dondoko Island is deeply addictive, probably fuelled by the Animal Crossing-esque gameplay. The Royal Family is all about grand displays, stately houses and the finer things, so it makes sense that Kate Middleton would be hellbent on getting a five-star rating for the island before heading home.
Stuck in The Stanley Parable
Classic getting stuck in looping gameplay, oldest trick in the book. Godspeed, Kate.
Trying to score a single win on Summoner’s Rift
The Palace regrets to inform the Commonwealth that the Princess of Wales is hard stuck silver. League of Legends players can sympathise with Kate Middleton on this one. You hop in, promising to play until you get a win. How hard could it be? Next thing you know, it’s been two months, you’re still on Summoner’s Rift trying to cop a single win, the international media are wondering if you’ve died or assumed a new identity, in the distance, sirens. Classic stuff, honestly. Come home, Kate, your kids probably miss you and they’ll still love you even if you’re getting flamed on League.
Wherever Kate Middleton got to during her time away from the cameras and Royal engagements befitting a Princess of Wales, here’s some food for thought. Maybe she was actually just chilling at home and couldn’t be bothered with the paparazzi. I don’t know, I’m not a Royal Correspondent.
Where do you reckon Kate got to while she’s been out of the public eye? Let us know in the comments.
Image: Arrowhead Game Studios / Chris Radburn – WPA Pool/Getty Images/ Kotaku Australia
